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cautions
This page considers questions about self-help by users
of online (and offline) matchmaking services.
It covers -
It
is complemented by a more detailed note on cyberstalking.
introduction
We have suggested elsewhere on this site that individual
responsibility is an important aspect of being online:
regulatory bodies are not omnipresent and mechanisms for
redress of injury may be slow or provide inadequate relief,
particularly if injury is not readily characterised as
a financial loss or physical damage.
So is a recognition that people can choose to manage their
online presence rather than allowing the technology -
and by extension a stalker - to manage them.
Management of that presence does not offer everyone immunity
from harassment, danger and victimisation ... just as
there is no comprehensive solution for all social interaction
offline.
Management does however offer opportunities to minimise
danger, in for example much the same way that ordinary
people deal with risk by keeping their doors locked and
being sensible about whom they invite inside. It also
offers ways of responding when cyberstalking occurs.
There is no simple solution: responses vary from individual
to individual (and from jurisdiction to jurisdiction),
in the same way that there is variation in responses to
offline stalking. Some people are better equipped than
others to deal with a nasty on the net; some are luckier
in finding advice and assistance from colleagues, service
providers, lawyers and police or other investigators.
The following paragraphs offers suggestions about risk
minimisation in online dating.
They are not comprehensive or prescriptive. Publications
highlighted elsewhere on this site offer some pointers
from Australia and overseas. There is for example a wealth
of online information regarding the experience of stalking
victims and of investigators or other third parties.
online
Online identity management includes -
- being
wary about what information you provide online, whether
it is on a FaceBook or MySpace profile,
in a blog, on a bulletin
board, in the course of chat
or in response to an online marketer's offer of an amazing
deal
- using
pseudonyms in adult
chat rooms
- using
gender-neutral names in other fora
- not
taking a contact's statements at face value
- not
using a pet's name as a password (particularly if the
pet is referred to in a blog or elsewhere on the web)
- wariness
about sharing passwords with friends or colleagues (although
you may take care, they may not)
- protection
of laptops, PDAs and personal computers - including
use of passwords, caution in downloading potential spyware
and attention to keeping virus protection up to date
(few people would leave their front doors open 24/7
but many, alas, leave their machines wholly unguarded)
- choosing
online dating services and offline matchmakers on the
basis of professionalism, rather than the lowest cost
(professionals are less likely to expose your information
and more likely to respond if you do have problems)
- exercising
caution about including personal mobile phone numbers
in email footers.
offline
Offline identity management includes exercising
caution when initially meeting face to face.
That caution might include such measures as -
-
being careful not to have your date collect you up at
your home or place of work (and conceaingl your address
until you are confident that your new acquaintance is
safe)
- choosing
not to go to your date's home or invite them to your
home until after several public meetings have taken
place
- meeting
in a public, well populated and well lit place
-
having a friend with you at the initial meeting
-
having a friend 'check in' on your mobile phone
-
alerting that person where you are going and when you
expect to return.
What
if something goes wrong?
There is no single set of rules for responding to online
harassment and cyberstalking. That is because -
-
individual circumstances vary significantly (not all
stalking is persistent, pathological and associated
with violence)
- legal
regimes (along with access to those regimes and the
expertise/interest of law enforcement personnel) vary.
As
previously noted, the latter is a particular issue when
stalking is taking place across national boundaries.
What can be done when someone is being stalked online?
A fundamental response is for victims to not despair.
Some targets of stalking believe that they are powerless;
others believe that cyberstalking is either not an offence
or that it will not be taken seriously by police, courts
and service providers. As indicated earlier in this note,
those beliefs are incorrect. Australian law for example
recognises electronic stalking, including harassment via
SMS and email.
Victims can take a range of action, depending on their
circumstances. Such responses include -
- screening
voice calls, SMS, chat and email. Filter email for example;
if messages come from a particular address, send those
messages into a folder that you (or your geek) can provide
to police but that you do not need to look at yourself.
If you are bothered by someone in an online forum you
can often block communications from them, even become
invisible to them.
- if
necessary, throwing away your current email address
(particularly if it is a disposable webmail
address in a service such as Hotmail) and start
a new one, one that is only available to trusted friends/associates
and that is not published on the web.
- checking
that the victim has not let the stalker into a personal
computer. Make sure that virus protection is up to date;
change the passwords. This is the same as keeping your
front door locked or changing the locks. Some people
have managed the experience by buying a new machine
or wiping and reinstalling the software on an existing
machine, just to be sure.
- consider
throwing away an existing SecondLife, MySpace or FaceBook
profile: "changing address, hair colour, age and
even gender online" is usually easier than moving
house offline.
- similarly
creating a new presence in chat rooms and other online
fora, ideally using
different identity information (a different age, location,
preferences) so that your reappearance cannot be readily
detected. Request trusted friends/associates not to
provide those details to anyone else.
- traditional
actions such as using a male friend to record the instructions
on a female victim's answering machine.
Victims
are typically advised to deny the cyberstalker the gratification
of knowing that the target distressed. As with offline
stalking, it is useful to resist the temptation to 'feed
the beast': do not reply, do not 'legitimate' the harassment
or 'validate' the cyberstalker's existence.
That non-response does not mean destruction of
information that could be useful in identification and
prosecution of an offender. It is important to remember
that electronic messages such as SMS often provide traces
that can be followed by investigators and used in court.
If you do get nasty messages, do not delete them: they
are evidence which might be used against the stalker.
Store the email, log the chat, save the SMS.
Businesses such as ISPs and fora operators dislike trouble,
whether because it is bad for their marketing, because
they fear financial penalties imposed by courts and regulators
or because immunity fades in some jurisdictions when there
is an egregious lack of response to complaints.
Some will make a genuine effort to assist victims to identify
oppressors or to expunge offensive comments (defamatory
and threatening material in fora, blogs and personal sites)
and ban the person who made those comments. Others, through
ignorance of the law (or good manners) and managerial
ineptitude, will take longer to respond when they receive
a request to deal with improper material.
Victims should accordingly be persistent, on occasion
insisting on talking to a manager rather than the (often
underpaid and naive) people manning a call centre or the
front counter.
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